I have known for a very long time that I am an INFJ (this is a personality type on the Myers-Briggs scale). It basically means that I am an intuitive, perceptive, imaginative yet strangely logical loner who hates clutter and crowds.
My poor husband is an ENFP (and I say poor only because he is married to me). Imagine a golden retriever with a stick that happily jumps on you as soon as you walk into your house after a long day. Then add a generous dash of humor, a penchant for being the best person you’ve ever met, and multiply it by 5.
That’s Ted.
Ted is studying to become a pastor, and he will be an amazing one. He loves Jon Acuff’s blog Stuff Christians Like (as everyone should. Jon Acuff is hilarious and very talented. And coincidentally, an ENFP).
Today, on my day off, I was catching up on SCL and came across this post. I spent nearly an hour scrolling through the comments, sometimes laughing, sometimes thinking about the terrible introvert experiences I have had and thought I had repressed. (Clue: I hadn’t.) The memories kept rolling and rolling, and soon I realized that there was no way I would be able to post all of them on someone else’s blog. That’s what my blog is for, right?
So, for my lovely, curious extroverts (and for all the introverts out there smiling and nodding in a knowing sort of way), here we are:
The Top 5 Things Introverts Dread About Church (And/Or Church Camp)
Written So That Extroverts May Understand And Prevent These Sorts Of Things From Happening
5. “Welcome! Shake a hand, give a hug, share a name!”
In every church I have attended, this has been a precursor to the beginning of the service. What I want to know is why. There is no way that anyone is going to remember anyone else’s name in the 2.7 uncomfortable seconds it takes to say, “Good morning! My name is so-and-so. God’s peace.”
And has anyone considered what that is like for people who have never stepped foot in that church, or any church at all? I’ve been in church my entire life, and this entire process ties knots in my stomach. I understand the rationale behind it (we want to be a friendly, welcoming community), but isn’t this accomplished in a less forced manner before and after the service, over donuts and coffee? Why do we feel the need to programmize normal human interaction?
Awkward encounters are so much easier with caffeine and sugar.
It is for this reason that I really love running slides or doing some other manner of work for the church during the beginning of the service. Can’t shake your sweaty hand if mine are busy doing something else.
Go ahead, judge me.
4. “Chelsey, what do you think?”
Okay, look.
I will tell you exactly what I think once I want to say it. Trust me, I am very opinionated. Just because I am sitting quietly in this group of people, listening to all of them talk about their lives or this Bible passage or this idea, doesn’t mean I have a rock for a brain or that I’m too scared to speak up. Or, even worse: that something is wrong with me.
The worst offenders for this one are small group leaders and youth directors. And I know that for a fact, because I am one. Take it from me: if an introvert isn’t speaking, it isn’t because nothing is going on upstairs. It’s because they’re THINKING. And once they feel comfortable enough, they will share. And yeah, that might take a couple minutes. A couple weeks. Maybe even a couple months. Their silence isn’t a reflection on your leadership! Suck it up, leaders: be secure in yourself and let the “awkward” silence sit. After all, it’s not awkward until you make it awkward. Plus, there is most likely an extrovert in your group, and they’re chomping at the bit to get the thing rolling.
3. “Let’s get into groups and pray aloud and/or tell each other our deepest, darkest struggles.”
At this point, you may be wondering if I actually like people.
I like people. I really do.
Introverts tend to have very deep relationships and friendships. They are often very few in number. Case in point: when planning our wedding, I told my husband that I wanted three bridesmaids: my sister, my best friend, and his sister. He gave me his best puppy dog face and told me that he wouldn’t be able to go lower than 9 groomsmen.
Ted won, obviously.
People just love Ted. I get it. I do, too. (We ended up having 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen, and I love and cherish every single one of them.)
At the church where I work, we meet weekly to pray over the prayer requests we receive as a staff. We separate into groups of 3 to 5, go to separate corners of the church, and begin to pray over the list. I have a mini-panic attack every single time. I hope I’m adept enough to cover it. I’m probably not.
2. The Actual Contents Of Prayer
If you could see into my head while I pray aloud, it would look something like this:
“Dear Jesus: I am completely blanking right now. I know that when we usually talk, the conversation never ebbs, but all these people are looking at me and listening to me and holy cow, I feel like I’m naked and I’m going to hyperventilate. If you love me – no, I know you love me – please give me something intelligent to say in front of all these people. That I work with every day. Who are expecting me to form a coherent sentence. If it’s fancy and a little theological, too, that would be great. Thanks a million. Amen.”
Recently, one of the pastors at my church gave a devotion about how people pray out loud. He said that if a person asks for things that God has already promised, like His presence or His faithfulness, then it’s foolish and they probably have a pretty weak faith.
Right. As if I wasn’t already self-conscious enough.
On Jon Acuff’s post about introverts, one very well-meaning woman tried to give an introvert some advice about praying out loud:
“Sometimes I have an apprehension of going to the bathroom in public with someone who is the in the stall right next to me. Sometimes it is really hard to avoid. However, I know I have to go, so what I do is close my eyes and just go with the flow. I would say the same to you the next time you are asked to pray out loud in front of others: Just close your eyes and go with the flow. He promises that as we open our mouths He will fill it with His words. I have found this to be true not only in my life, but also in the lives of others I know.”
Ohhh. Why didn’t I think of that?
Also, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to use the phrase “go with the flow” again. Ever.
1. ”You should be more…”
Talkative. Friendly. Open. Or, my personal favorite: “You should be more like your sister.”
I once had a very influential camp counselor tell me that. My sister and I are very close now, and I would love to be more like her, because she’s the bomb.
This is my sister. Out of the two of us, she is clearly cooler.
But at that point in my life, my sister was a beautiful, blonde, popular, fashionable, outgoing cheerleader. I was a somber, dark-haired band nerd who wore jeans and t-shirts and hated high school. Of COURSE I wanted to be more like her! Who wouldn’t?!
You would think that this sort of thing doesn’t happen to me anymore, but it does, actually. Even at 23, an age in which I am actually secure in my personality, this conversation takes place:
Me: “Yeah, I’m an introvert.”
The other person: “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
God has created us all so beautifully and uniquely. There is no reason to apologize for that.
I am very sure that other introverts out there have had similar experiences. Please feel free to share, because I know that I shouldn’t be so presumptuous as to speak for all introverts everywhere.
But only if you feel comfortable enough.
“It’s not my fault! Don’t blame me! yadda yadda yadda…”
I love you!!!! So many connections!
Love you, too!
Oh yes, exactly to all of it!!! I love #4. So totally. My pastor is a super extrovert but he seems pretty understanding of introverts. One time workers were all gathered before church to pray, and he looked at me and asked me to lead the prayer, knowing I would say no, and I did, and laughed. But no one else knew that, so they all bowed their heads, and then looked up completely shocked that I was telling him no, haha. It was great. Our church thankfully doesn’t do #5, but every once in awhile they will ask a Small Group Question before the sermon, and you have to turn to someone around you and answer it. But they only do it maybe once every couple of months, and they always say ‘I know introverts won’t like this, but this is why we do it…’ and I love that at least they acknowledge the awkwardness of it.
Thanks so much for commenting, Caris! I’m glad your pastor is understanding of introverts. I think that understanding of the ways others operate is invaluable in a leader. It was for this reason that I asked my husband this week about his struggles as an extrovert. I’m hoping to have him sit down and write them out sometime soon – stay tuned for a ‘guest’ post!
Chelsey, I just stumbled across your blog by a bit of a rabbit trail – saw a comment on a blog I follow, went to the commenter’s blog, saw a link to your blog and now here I am. Glad I made it, because this post has such good stuff in it! As an INTJ (and former youth ministry worker), I am right there with you on how church comes across. Here are a coupl eof ways I’ve hit your top five:
#3 – Our son spent his first year of college at a small Chirstian university. The orientation weekend included programs for the students and their parents. At one parents’ session they had us break up into groups of four or five, men with men and women with women so I didn’t even have the support of my wife among those strangers. Then we were told to share our concerns for our kids (with strangers!), pray about them together (in a group of strangers!), and get each others’ emails (giving it to strangers!) so we could continue to support one another as the year progresses. I thought to myself, “I’m not staying in touch with anyone.” It wasn’t a value judgment on the other guys, just a fact i knew about myself.
#5 – I remember a pastor once telling the story of visiting a small church where they did the “Hey, anyone visiting with us this morning?” routine, but instead of asking visitors to stand and introduce themsleves (which I now refrain from doing) they instead asked the visitors to stay seated while the congregation rose to its feet and sang them a welcome song (“You’re here, and we’re so glad; we’re so glad, because you’re here!” or something). I’d have rather stood and mumbled my name.
One thing I’ve discovered over the years is that these people who are so different from me are wonderful people. I may not understand them, nor they me, but we are all children of God and he understand us perfectly. What a relief that God has all the understanding I’ll ever need!
Tim
P.S. Have you read The Atlantic’s guide to introverts, written for the benfit of our extraverted friends? It’s a hoot! http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/2696/#.T3yOHi69myh.facebook
Tim, I’m so happy you made it here, too! I am frankly horrified, however, at the idea of being SUNG at. Whoa. And man, opening up about your kids to strangers? No thanks. I once attended a free ‘date night’ for married couples (sponsored by a church) and it ended up being a mini-conference about intimacy. As a new guest, I really hated being separated from my husband and placed in a group of women to listen to instruction about sex. Worst. Night. Ever.
You are completely right about us all being God’s children, of course. I hope that further dialogue will help to 1) help us understand one another, and 2) prevent those sorts of things from happening again!
I’m with you Chelsey, especially on #2!
(Spousal intimacy discussions with strangers … *shudder, shudder, double-shudder!*)
Love this! I’m totally embracing my introverted ways, especially as I “grow older, but not up.” (quoting Jimmy Buffett!) I blogged about this very thing recently, too – http://flutterby43.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/embracing-my-not-so-inner-introvert/
Hahah, everything about this blog post is SO true! I can identify with all of it. It seems that most people in the evangelical church are extroverts on crack. I suppose that’s okay, since many of them are able to minister to others in ways that I can’t. But it would be nice if people understood what goes on in the introvert’s mind. We like people, we really do! We just don’t feel the need to be hyper and get in everyone’s face. There’s nothing wrong with that
You give some very interesting and insightful explanations! My experience with introverts (like my wife) is that you rarely get to hear their thoughts. Yes, they are thinking, but they frequently choose to skip the bother of communicating.
There are many situations where that is a good thing. Sometimes it just isn’t wise to try to openly discuss our thoughts on whatever issue is being considered. The frustrating thing for the rest of us is that those are not the only times that introverts decline to communicate. Sometimes they decline, even when their input is really important.
Many of your insights are true regardless of a person’s “troversion” orientation. I couldn’t agree more about the quick-greet song time which often starts evangelical services. I have trouble understanding how anyone ever thought that was a good idea! I am quite comfortable talking to strangers, but no worthwhile conversation ever happened in such a rushed manner or to background music. And those “share times” don’t make me panic (I don’t mind discussing), they make me irritated! I get irritated because I know that they are almost always phony. When they ask “What are your thoughts?” I know they do not want to hear my thoughts. In that context, “What are your thoughts?” really means “It is time for YOU to perform an act of humiliation by parroting what I obviously want you to say.” When a person dares to tell them what he or she actually thinks (however respectfully), they have committed an act of defiance and will be shunned for it. The whole thing really irritates me. The public prayer thing causes me nausea rather than nervousness. Public prayer is a good thing when done reverently, but most prayer meetings are more akin to a talent show competition–each person strutting their prayer “stuff” in turn.
You make a helpful point about how extroverted people can (sometimes ignorantly) make demands upon introverted people which are unfair or just unrealistic. To an introvert, the “invitation” to contribute your thoughts on a matter seems like a demand for an impromptu performance. So, when communication is important, clearly some adjustments have to be made so the process is more workable for people of differing “troversions.” That’s where we extroverts are at a loss, and could really use some help from your side. We can get the point about not being unrealistically demanding, but we can’t figure out how to pursue communication in a way that works for both introverts and extroverts. To us they seem to be saying “I don’t communicate and I never will; leave me alone and do not ever inquire again.”
Allowing time for processing seems like a good way forward, but in practice it seems only to result in infinite deferral. I’ve never seen an introvert actually return to an issue and say “I’ve had time to think about this now, and I’m ready to continue communication.” How does communication happen in the ideal world of an introvert? What could extroverts do to avoid making unfair demands but still achieve communication?
I’m eager to read to your response. Your post is so very insightful; I’m sure you have some good thoughts about these questions.
I really love that you took the time to read my mental meanderings, and that you typed out this response! Thank you! And I absolutely understand your frustration about how to effectively and politely communicate with introverts. We can be prickly sometimes.
On Adam S. McHugh’s (the author of Introverted Church, which I haven’t read yet, but plan on) blog, he reposted mine. You can read it here: http://www.introvertedchurch.com. I’m frankly astounded at the level of response it has received. Many people have commented with some suggestions that might be helpful for you when trying to facilitate communication with an introvert in a group setting. My favorite suggestion was changing the question “What do you think?” to a less pointed, more friendly, “Did you want to add anything?” This second question creates space in a conversation that might otherwise be dominated by extrovert thinkers for introverts to chime in if they want to. Paying attention to body language is also important when inviting an introvert to share.
Ultimately, the only way to really know how communication happens in the ideal world of an introvert is to know the introvert themselves. When my husband and I were in pre-marital counseling, our pastor (a very wise introvert) suggested that we incorporate a method of communication that employs exactly what you have said here. Whenever we have an argument, or whenever we need to discuss something deeply, such as an important decision, we do two things: 1) I listen to my husband as he thinks out loud (because he is very extroverted) without interrupting or thinking that his outlandish ideas or opinions are his final word, and 2) he gives me a set amount of time that we both agree on so that I have time to process. That amount of time is usually no longer than 12 hours, and absolutely no longer than 24. And it’s true; sometimes I don’t want to let on that I realize my time is up, but he is good about holding me accountable.
I hope this helps!
I came upon a version of your post from another blog, which my wife share on my FB page, and you have described our 19yo daughter to a T. People used to think she was rude because she just wouldn’t talk to them. I understand being shy, I understand being introverted, but I also understand that sometimes you have to meet the rest of the world halfway, and not expect them to always meet you exactly where you are. She once said “I have social skills, I just choose not to use them.” With that in mind, I’m very happy that she has a job right now in fast-food.
But getting back to the whole church thing, it wasn’t until a former student of mine told me that church was “sensory overload” for him, that I understood what the issue was for my own kid…who wouldn’t, or perhaps *couldn’t* explain it to us in those terms. We let her stop coming to church with us when she was old enough to stay home by herself, and I figure that by losing the battle, we’ll win the war.
However, more people…more pastors, more youth workers, more teachers…need to be aware of the fact that there are introverts out there and that there’s nothing *wrong* with them. They’re just people who are taking in EVERYTHING and processing it…waiting until they have the words perfectly formed in their heads before they say something stupid or that could be taken the wrong way.
I’ve since given our pastor the original link so that he’ll know how to deal with kids like our daughter in the future.
Just one more thing…a question actually.
It seems that we extroverted people are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. How are we supposed to tell the difference between the introverted person who just wants to be left alone and the shy person who wants to join in, but is waiting for someone to take their hand and invite them in to join all the fun?
That was the mistake a lot of people made with my daughter. They assumed that she was one of the shy ones sitting on the outside trying to figure out how to get in; and every time they tried to bring her in, she pushed herself further out. To be sure, there are shy people just dying to be almost forcibly pulled in to join the fun, so that they don’t have to make the first scary move. Our daughter…or at least *that* daughter…wasn’t one of them.
And then, what do we do about the extroverts who visit, and get all bent out of shape about us being cliquish and not welcoming enough, and never come back because we’re trying to do our best by the introverts? Is there some middle ground between everyone jumping all over the “fresh meat” and having people ignore you?
I definitely understand the way your daughter feels! But I agree with you: I can’t (and shouldn’t) sit back and expect the rest of the world to cater to my needs. The world doesn’t owe me anything, and just because the majority of my culture functions on an extroverted level is not anyone’s fault. As I have gotten older, I have developed something of an ‘extrovert mask,’ or a way of processing so that I can meet people halfway, as you say. Most people I interact with on a daily basis understand my personality, so it’s not so draining, but man, doing something like starting a new job or a new small group is TOUGH. Until those people get to know me, there’s usually a period where I tend to feel out who is ‘safe’ for me to open up to, during which others usually perceive me as stand-offish or cold. I try to be as warm and open as possible, but there’s always at least one person who later tells me, “Y’know, I thought you were kind of a jerk when I first got to know you.” It just happens, I guess. I think you’re right about her job being a good place for her to develop her own way of processing in an extroverted culture. Mine definitely improved when I started working as a barista.
A good thing to remember is that even though most introverts develop this ‘mask,’ it takes time and usually doesn’t really form until they are on their own in college or in the working world. You’re absolutely right about people in influence over young people, like teachers and pastors, needing to understand introversion and its tendencies. The number of times people have tried to ‘correct’ my behavior or my character is terribly large, and it really makes a person feel deficient. I grew up feeling inferior to nearly all of my friends, who were outgoing and funny and action-oriented.
Your daughter may also have a tendency not to open up to everyone because she is very selective about who she wants to use her social skills with. Many people (no matter if they are introverted or extroverted) are hesitant to develop friendships quickly. I usually have a gut feeling about a person (the iNtuitive/Feeling aspects of my MBTI), and if it’s a good one, chances are high that I will want to get to know them. Just keep encouraging your daughter to be herself, and she’ll figure the rest out.
Your second questions are good ones: How do you tell the difference between an introvert and a shy person? How do we meet the needs of both extroverts and introverts when welcoming visitors to a church?
The answer to your first question is not a great one: I’m not sure. I’ve never been shy. In my own experience, when I am leading group games or discussion, I try to pay attention to the quiet people in the group. If I see a person who is quiet, but tends to hold a side conversation or communicates with one or two of the others, I usually assume that they are introverted, not shy. If I see a person who is not new, but generally speaks to no one, I assume that they are shy (and/or probably introverted). With such people, I try to discreetly start a non-threatening conversation with them when the rest of the group is busy, or some other manner of quiet communication. I wish I had a better answer to this one, but I don’t. I’m sorry, I hope some of this helps!
For your second question, I would suggest being really dedicated to developing a ‘hospitality team’ made up of many different personality types. Find some welcoming extroverts, but also find some ‘extrovert-masked’ introverts who are passionate about caring for newcomers. People with the gift of hospitality are usually really good at reading others and at understanding how to engage or back off in a conversation. That way you can hopefully meet all kinds of needs.
It is unrealistic, of course, to try and not offend everyone. That would just drive a person crazy. But I think as long as we try to understand one another more, we get closer to authentic Christian community. It will always be messy, but at least it will be a mess that both sides accept and try to work through!
Thanks again for your questions!
Try being a very introverted pastor who follows a very popular, off-the-scale extrovert. I’ll tell you about it once I have it all figured out! (I wasn’t there very long.)
Hi Chelsey,
Just found your blog for the first time and really enjoy it! I laughed at the post and also agreed with every point. I wanted to add another to the list….being “forced” to clap hands to a song or wave our hands back and forth! There is just something about clapping when I don’t feel like it (but if it were at the end of a great theater performance’s standing ovation, – no issue there) or standing and swaying or waving my arms – again – don’t like it unless I am in a stadium wearing a ball hat and hearing cheering as I see thousands standing/sitting/standing/sitting as the “wave” is going around the entire arena.
Even though I am not an introvert, I think being raised Catholic and now married to a non-Catholic and going to an Evangelical church, it all seems a little hyper to me. When in reality, I just want to get a good message, be of service, and not put on pretenses. I have no doubt of the sincerity, but I will never forget while engaged and my then fiance, now husband, was looking for a church for us and yes, we were greeted with MANY “Hi! How are you doing?!” and “What is your name?” and “Is this your first visit?” and “Welcome!!” before we even made it to the pew. I remember wondering where was the alter? And why is there a “stage” and no statues? I laugh at the memory now.
But upon leaving that first time, I remember feeling attacked with at least three or more members stopping us and grabbing hold of my arm and we never went back because I freaked out. After a while I got use to this and other things that just go along with this kind of church. But the one thing that just makes my stomach churn every time is singing (I hate to sing in public) but especially the clapping and hand thing. I just want to enjoy the music, the lyrics, hear the message and leave church feeling like I learned something that will get me through the week that will help me be a better person and avoid me doing something that will send me to hell until the next Sunday.
Best of luck with all your plans, your husband’s ministry, and wish we could have met. I am from Austin originally as well, and now live in St. Louis too….I am sure no matter where you land, your imprint will be lasting.
Big hug
Elizabeth
Chelsey, this is hilarious! I was doing a search that rabbit trailed off of me looking at the book Introverts in the Church on amazon.com, and I pulled up tab after tab. Then, I opened this tab, and saw…Ted’s face on the screen! And some other people I know pretty well in the background. You may have already told me, but I didn’t know you were an INFJ, too! So cool! Have you ever checked out the INFJ Cafe blog? I have become something of an INFJ nerd. Well, so good to stumble upon you in this weird, round about, online way!
My daughter is introverted and I am very extroverted. This helped me relate to her. Thanks!